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Green Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream Is For Aliens

Pardon me while I climb up on my soapbox for a minute. The time has come for me to get something off my chest and it ain’t the grey hairs growing there. I’ve about had all I can stand and it’s driving me nuts. Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream eaters are some of the most inconsiderate people in the world and one day soon I’m going to get the chance to tell them.

I’m a good American, I like to eat at my local Chinese restaurant using my chopsticks to eat my fried shrimp and a healthy portion of General Tso’s Chicken. And after I finish my meal, sometimes I like to eat a bite of ice cream just to settle in amongst the sweet and sour flavors and sooth any potential disagreements that might be brewing down there.

But I have come to the conclusion that some, not all, but a bunch of Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream eaters either need physical therapy or new glasses, because every stinkin’ time I try to fix myself a bowl of Neapolitan (personally mixing the chocolate, vanilla and strawberry flavors in exactly the correct proportions), I find Green, MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP ICE CREAM MIXED IN WITH THE VANILLA!

I don’t know how hard it is for people to understand that no matter what weird, ice cream mixture you want ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS get the vanilla FIRST! You see, vanilla is one of those flavors that is easily contaminated by chocolate, cheesecake, and yes, mint chocolate chip. Being white contaminates show up especially well in vanilla. Mint chocolate chip being green, and mint being mint, changes the flavor and appeal of Neapolitan completely. There is no green in Neapolitan!

I’m a careful, quiet sort of guy who considers his fellow man as a neighbor and looks out for that neighbor in careful, quiet sort of ways that maybe he or she will never see and probably never appreciate unless I don’t do those careful, quiet sort of things and it irritates the stew out of them. For example, in the process of making my preferred Neapolitan ice cream mix, I wash the dipping spoon vigorously in the hot water they provide at the restaurant and then careful dip out the exact amount of Vanilla that I will need to make the perfect bowl of ice cream. Quick dip in the hot water bowl with the spoon and then I dip up a smaller portion of Strawberry (with real frozen strawberries mixed in, preferably big strawberries), being careful to dip a second time to make sure that I’ve gotten any and all residual Vanilla that came off the spoon and was left in the Strawberry. Quick dip in the hot water again, and then straight to the Chocolate, where I get an even smaller portion of Chocolate since the flavor is so strong it can actually overwhelm the subtle flavors of the Vanilla and Strawberry to the point where you might as well have just gotten Chocolate and forgotten about mixing anything. I would think the perfect ratio is approximately 3-2-1 with Vanilla, Strawberry, and Chocolate respectively.

However, my happy world of Neapolitan has been destroyed on too many occasions when I wash the dipping spoon vigorously in the hot water and turn to get the Vanilla and find horror of horrors: GREEN, MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP ice cream spots all over the Vanilla and mixed in to the point where a line forms behind me as I attempt to dig around all of the green spots searching and hoping for pristine Vanilla to dip into my cup. There are snorts of attitude coming from behind me as I simply attempt to maintain the perfect balance between pure Vanilla and Strawberry and Chocolate that is so hard to attain especially when bespotted with huge green chunks of mint flavored ice cream.

It is in these moments when I think that people who like Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream must be from another planet, because what human would soil the favorite flavor of ice cream of another human intentionally? What human would care so little for his or her fellow man that they would do something so thoughtless as to mix the green stuff with the white stuff by getting the green stuff first and then contaminating the white stuff by dipping their spoon directly from green to white?

Surely, I’m not the only one who understands that Vanilla is a fragile flavor and is easily corrupted and therefore must be protected. For example, if you mix Vanilla and Chocolate, the result still tastes like Chocolate. It doesn’t magically change to Vanilla unless you mix a whole lot of Vanilla in with the Chocolate. And it only takes just a little bit of Chocolate or any other flavor to change Vanilla into something else.

Why can’t these Mint Chocolate Chip people see this? Are they blind or are they just in-human. Forgive me if I seem a little out of sorts, but the balance of ice cream flavors are changed forever the first time you take a bit of what you expect to be a wonderful, cacophony of Neapolitan flavors only to have your first taste include a big old green hunk of Mint Chocolate Chip. Intolerable. It is simply Intolerable and I’m not going to take it any more.

Therefore, whenever I come across a nest of these in-human, Mint Chocolate Chip eaters who cannot seem to keep their flavor to themselves, I intend on dipping up bits of other flavors and dropping them in the Mint Chocolate Chip. Stuff like Green Tea, Birthday Cake, and Buttered Pecan and we’ll just see how they like that. Sooner or later these aliens will get the picture and understand that they can’t just come here and screw around with Vanilla without there being an uprising to push back their slovenly ways and peculiar tastes.

Long Live Neapolitan!

Editor’s Note:
The views expressed by this diatribe do not reflect the views of this website or necessarily anyone associated with this website. Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream lovers should refrain from sending death threats or other types of malicious messages to the management since this article was written to entertain, enlighten and perhaps bring a smile to someone’s face, NOT to enflame the already sensitive tensions between the Vanilla and Green Mint Chocolate Chip factions. If you recognize yourself in this article in anyway, you are probably spending too much time at the ice cream bar at the local Chinese Restaurant anyway.

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